I've finally gotten back into my groove. Been listening to new music, started wall climbing, been hitting the gym a lot more, and even got new headphones. What did it take? Being single. When you're single, I feel as if you could cut through life like a blade if you allow yourself to. There's so much to life to want, see, and feel. That includes all the heartbreak and disturbing absurdity life is capable of. Whether it's good or bad I know that same totality of life is capable and found within me. I'm so full of it (life that is, like I haven't said it a fuck ton). Yet so why am I lying now? (labi siffre reference). I guess what I'm trying to get at is that despite my curiousity and wonder and love for the world and all it has to offer, a part of me feels all of the afformentioned qualities and wonder can only be validated by the eyes of another. I know that isn't true, but no one knows I just started reading East of Eden, or that I'm stuck on a V2 right now, or that I've been reorganizing my closet. If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Yes, it does, the air around it bends into sound waves. If nothing is around to perceive the sound waves, did it even matter in the first place? I don't know. I want someone the way everyone wants someone. To be selfishly seen. I used to see someone, and I mean like, see them pretty well. I liked what I saw and yet I couldn't help but not feel that reciprocated enough. So I keep circiling back to this dillemma that I know I'm awesome, but maybe I want someone who I find awesome to find me awesome too and maybe that would make everything feel awesomer. Isn't it that simple? It isn't. Being with people requires growth and compromise and accountability and even if I do my best that doesn't mean everyone else does. That's okay though you keep going and you keep loving life and all it has to offer. Right?