The Friendemic
According to Maslow’s heirarchy of needs; love and belonging sits third from the top. Before that? Self actualization, esteem, (love and belonging), safety and physiological needs. Standing on my own personal podium, I rank these in accordance to where I am currently. ~the in between~ Its an odd place to be. Any discussion surrounding belonging stirs up some odd feelings. The conversation of friends never ceasing to highlight what I feel is most important. You must belong to yourself as much as you need to belong to others, and any belonging that asks you to betray yourself is not true belonging. In order to have friends you’ve got to be a friend. A crucial step, that I fear we’ve lost.
Fancy research papers have shown that finding a sense of belonging in close social relationships and with our communities are essential to well-being. I mean Duh, we’re social creatures afterall, but where are the communities? Where is the compassion that was once part of our routines? Sharing a chat with your neighbor. Using your sister as a step stool barely tall enough to see over the fence, in the hopes that you get to greet your neighbor heading out to work in the morning. Small instances of humanity that brought some sparkle into your day collapsed by this circle of faceless names we call our ‘friends’. The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. A book all about what it means to belong in an increasingly dystopian, divisive and disconnected word. The ‘triple D-demic’.
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Friendships are abundant when you have the ability to belong to yourself so whole heartedly that you can share pieces of you with others in a way that is meaningful and authentic. To find sacredness in belonging and being a part of something bigger. Think, how often do you change who you are? Do the friendships you have require you to be who you are, or someone else entirely different from you? Are your friendships built on shared disdain and fear rather than common humanity (shared trust, respect, or love?). A habit so many others fall victim to is losing themselves in the crowd, the sway or instant gratifications that provide temporary pleasures in the place of real connection. It’s innate that often times we try to gather this belonging through any means necessary. Sex, online validation, conforming to the space around you, hustling for approval or ill fated remnants of acceptance. True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
Love and belonging are necessary for everyone and the absence of it only leads to suffering. Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance. So our courage to share our most authentic selves must be strong enough to overcome the need to fit in. We betray ourselves in ways that go unnoticed for years only to be left with friendships that plateau, hanging from a string too frayed to bother fixing. They say your 20’s are for figuring it out and that extends to your friendships. The ones you choose to pour into and make new. Belonging uncertainty can have a negative impact on your motivation and achievement. Only after you’ve stowed 12 years of friendship do you find that you’ve been pouring so much of your self into someone who has yet to fill themselves and pouring into them could continue because you’re whole within yourself but to what end?
How much can we ask of friendship before belonging becomes conditional? An anchor thats kept me grounded when I needed to but I hadn’t realized what I thought was grounding was stagnation. It isn’t until life continues to introduce you to new versions of yourself that you realize how much you’d been missing. Some friendships introduce you to the same problems you had in high school, just now with a different outfit. New guy, same emergency. Different disagreement. Same villain, different year. tweleve years makes you excuse a lot; a missed birthday, a dinner asked to be moved for a date, the revolving door of a third friend who somehow, always became a problem. Maybe growth isn’t always dramatic.
The friendships I’ve chosen to pour into have blossomed alongside me, some new and others old enough to have known versions of me I hardly recognize. The conversations have expanded beyond what I once thought was possible, giving me more than I knew friendship could offer. Challenging me, pushing me to understanding perspectives. This time I’m being taught the beauty of emotional reciprocity, the beauty in trusting others with your dreams and having them trust you with theirs. Grounded in something real. A reminder that even old friendships can be expansive, growing beyond the superficial. A call when hysterical, they share; I listen. When I share and they remember. I show up. They show up. Both changing, but somehow the friendship has enough room to hold the changes. What does it feel like to be known by someone who allows you to keep becoming?
What does “belonging to myself” mean now that I understand reciprocity? Be careful not to confuse the number of years you’ve known someone with evidence that the relationship still knows you. It just might surprise you when you uncover what you never knew you were missing.
-Z
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Fine, Fine,
we’ll keep it a secret,