Which direction do you walk in when no one’s in front of you?
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There she was. Sitting, eating next to me in silence but something very noticeably was amiss.
Was it a mistake to ask? I pried anyway and suddenly loud screeches, tears with laughs to break up the sudden waterfall filled the room. It was indeed a midlife crisis if id ever seen one, this was later confirmed by the friend in question. I'd been sitting with the idea of imposter syndrome (very common amongst the first gen) but began to ask “How do you know you’re doing anything right?” how does anyone really know? My friend seemed to be struggling with this same dilemma but on a different scale. Life took us down two very different paths. Her’s one of glamour, glitz, and fun. Mine, countless headaches, and setbacks that forced me to see rejections as redirections. The ride we don’t sign up for and brace ourselves for called “life” is a funny thing. My friend seemed to think her’s was one that led down a cataclysmic path of self destruction. No “real job”, scraping by on checks owed by companies indebted to her, she sat there looking around questioning whether she’d made the most of her 20’s. The private jets and parties now seemed so insignificant sitting here in her bedroom floor attempting to console her. She highlighted the stability I’d built for myself and contrasted the volatility of her choices against mine. To the world outside everything is peaches and roses, sunshine and rainbows. We seem to think we’ve always got it figured out. It's right to assume when we always put our best foot forward. Why would you want to show otherwise? There are no rules, just expectations of what we SHOULD do and be. This conversation on the floor reminding me exactly of that and the internal struggles we face. Her’s was textbook, mine was just packaged differently. But how do you know you’re doing anything right? Which direction do you walk in when there’s no one walking in front of you? Everyone is improvising, even the people who look like they’ve “won”.
Sitting there next to her attempting to console her, I'd experienced her problem, just a little earlier. I was freshly out of college, waitlisted for grad school having had done everything imaginable to get in. Withering myself away to the 20% chance I’d get into graduate school. Imagine my disappointment to hearing that I was the only one of all of the top students in my cohort to not get into a grad program. What was I to do when this was my goal, how humiliating, there were no other options for me. I was getting into grad school and that would be the answer to everything. Boy was I wrong. Stuck in one of the most expensive cities in the world, fresh out of “divorce” ((ending of a serious and long term relationship)), paying rent the size of a mortgage at 22 years old, I was in hell. Things weren’t so different from my friend and I there. She lacked perspective. She’d spent her early 20’s traveling the word pursuing a highly lucrative job. A digital one at that, millions of followers with Checks came and went. 15 thousand one week, 20 thousand for 2 hours at party, another 30 thousand to promote prebiotic soda’s. private jets, celebrity dinners, a gorgeous blonde and yet here she was regretting the choices that once brought so much joy. Is it ever quite enough? Are we ever really truly satisfied? We tend to look over into other’s yards imagining the grass is always greener on the other side only to find out that sometimes the lawn is turf. With enough external pressure to turn a piece of coal into a diamond, now was not the time to highlight what was done right or what was considered to be wrong. There was only choice left.
With your back against the wall what do you do? she was left with the choice to continue down the life she’d established for herself. Fame, recognition, status or turning a new leaf and starting a new road entirely. One less volatile and with more stability. It’s hard to imagine what other routes we can take when we only know one. We have these self established timelines that lead us to believe life has a singular way of being. How do you deal with the self doubt? We’re all living for the first time. Does anyone else feel this way? You learn as you go. There are no rules only expectations we inherit and punish ourselves with. Humanize your strife and experience during your time here. I laugh now because the idea of paying a bill at 18, unaware of how to set up electrical in a new apartment would spark a mental breakdown. Things only seem overwhelming because they’re unfamiliar, not because you’re failing. Life is about sitting in the uncomfortable. Like running at a pace slightly above yours, it's about being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Does anyone know if they’re doing anything right? no. The self doubt I'd experienced after my initial rejection into grad school ultimately led me back to the drawing board. The countless times I repeated to myself “rejection is just redirection” despite having not believed it myself are insurmountable. I applied later that year after busting my ass interning and doing research, having to pass on summer nights out. The end result ultimately being positive; yet that was not apparent to me at the time. until you're sitting on a friends bedroom floor making shitty attempts to console them, will you be able to recognize the search for the answers never ends. You can’t escape yourself, thoughts, or troubles. You can try but at the end of the day you’ll always come back to yourself. Peace of mind is only apparent when the sun shines. They say you do anything consistent enough you’ll eventually reap the rewards of your hard work. This I believe is true, but it won’t be without a few set backs to test your patience.
You try not to crack under the pressure of it all. It’s a lonely road but imagine how much more boring it’d be without its uncertainty. External success and internal certainty rarely line up. ultimately leading you to ask if the faith in your decisions outweighs the doubt in your mind. She had been the first in her family to see the inside of a private jet. The first to reach levels of fame and status. Id been the first in my immediate family to get into a university and to go to graduate School. Even now, I ask if any of it is worth it? What keeps you going? Pain doesn’t discriminate by lifestyle, it just waits its turn. You can be a million different people from one day to the next, will You change your mold? That’s the beauty of it all, choice.
- z
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