Do it even if you struggle
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some days you feel like shit. You sit in your room, loathing, running through the possible outcomes that’ll never happen. Doubt, fear, stress, anxiety all bubbling in you. You freeze. Some days it just isn’t going the way you want. Murphy’s law another rock thrown at your glass house. Everything isn’t going as you planned. I know it. I know it all too well. Automatic negative thoughts, they’re called. “oh but if I X then Y will happen”, “They’ll think that I just XYZ”. You assume the worst without the evidence to back up that it’ll be so. There’s a heaviness in the air about things recently. Protests, layoffs, recessions, out growing friends. Leaving some people you truly cared for in the past, a job, a passion project, maintaining friendships and maybe you manage to squeeze something in there for yourself. We’re changing. Changing for the better. It’s a lot to deal with. You’ve dug yourself into a rut of your own mental anguish. Turn it off, get up, and do it even if you struggle.
They say when things are not going to well it means that something even better is coming. The usual fixes stop working, you’re restless, crying, waking up at random times at night anxious. Trying to keep a social life and dreams alive, did I bite off more than I could chew? What a stupid question. Tired, inevitably so; the simplest tasks and things you once took joy in seem like a marathon. It’s kinda hard to focus on the good to come when you’re living one historic event after another. Last week you were driving down PCH, sunroof open, windows down, sun shining. So happy, for all the good in your life. So much so, you felt the urge to text your friends personalized happy texts™️ and tell them about how good you felt then. Sneaking in an appreciative: ‘I’m so lucky to have you’. Things didn’t seem so bad then? Why do they now? was it because you remembered? The point isn’t to pathologize the way you feel. The point is to feel it. Sometimes you just feel like shit and that’s okay. You’re human, not a machine. Even machines need to be maintained and you've been neglecting that. You’ve been here before and were far more lonelier too but you managed to do it. Fueled by the promise of a better tomorrow, the feeling is now a scar added to your collection that’ll fade over time.
And that’s exactly what ill do
First you’re “mad” and then you’re “right”. How strong is your ability to believe the vision before the proof exists? What keeps you going? Is it the audacity maybe? This is your reminder, so read closely. BE SO FUCKING DELUSIONAL. Let people believe whatever the fuck they want. Growing up as someone I wouldn’t have deemed to be “conventionally attractive”, kind of an odd ball really, you learn very early on that people will always find something to tease you for. Maybe boldness isn’t something you learn. Maybe it’s something you remember. One day its your platform shoes, the next its your glasses and short hair, another week its because you play clarinet; people are brave when they’re surrounded with other small people who make them look bigger. I partially think this is where my audacity and lack of care for others’ opinions of me came from. It always feels like theres so much on the line. Once a competitive runner just about shitting yourself before every race you’re at a Nike sponsored race with only the best of the best. Girls who run 5 minute miles standing next to you. You flinch at the gun then suddenly you’re cramped, elbowing your way through the curve to settle into your pace. You are competitive, delusional and crazy. YOU ended up here, YOU put the work in to be here. You know half the time I don’t take much very seriously ((well sometimes)) and maybe that’s my thing. It’s what allows me to just do and be. TO BE SO ABSOLUTELY INSANE ABOUT WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN. In elementary, it was wearing a tutu over my jeans with cowgirl boots because I liked it, despite what others thought. I laugh as I write that because I truly did as I felt. We’re still the kids we used to be. Dreaming of better. Don’t give up on them. One of best things you can do for you is believe in yourself. In your abilities. Do it to a fault, believe in what you’re passionate about. People will talk regardless so why not think for you instead of them. Be proud of your ability to want and do. Even when it means setting your ego aside and acknowledging that sometimes your biggest enemy Is yourself.
I heard the phrase ‘youth is wasted on the young’ the other day, and really dissected it in conversation. It’s true so often we’re possessed and overcome by these A.N.T.S. DO THE THING. Instead of thinking of a million reasons of why could go wrong; conjure up all the ways it will absolutely go right. There is no ounce of doubt in my mind when it comes to something I feel very strongly about. I will do it. Bite off more than you can chew and worry about the rest later. You acclimate ((like running lol)). If it works amazing. If it doesn’t? What did you learn? How can you make it better, stronger, sharper? There is nothing more freeing than being able to say you’ve done everything you wanted to. Even now, your fears don’t override your passion for impact. Sure you get nervous but so does everyone else. GET OVER YOURSELF. When you hit the so called “wall” in running you used to imagine breaking the wall, because it is as much mental as it is physically demanding. NOW you find the wall doesn’t even exist. It’s more like a stable door. Growing up on the internet has led us to feel like a billion and one eyes are on you. But truly, do you remember everything you see? I don’t. I don’t scroll as much as I do create but even still I don’t think you are remembering everything. Theres a story of Michael Jackson having an intense rivalry with prince. He used to wake up and drive to the studio every time a new idea for a song came to him. He thought that the universe only gave ideas worth making to those with the passion to execute them. Michael Jackson feared if he didn’t, it’d float to Prince. And in a way that’s kinda true. Let’s say you don’t do it, you spend years planning and eventually someone does. Now you’re fucked. The younger you are the more risks you’re able to make and still have the time to recover. Are you letting life happen or are you doing something about it? Step into the uncertainty. Passion is often stronger than fear but only if you let it be.
Accept that ambition looks irrational from the outside. Most innovation and achievement starts as being “unrealistic”. You think Galileo fighting for heliocentrismo, going against the church wasn’t insane? Jailed for something he believed in so passionately only later to proven to be right? It’s choosing to stand alone in a room with your passions and opinions. Emotional struggles, mental spiraling and self doubt are the inevitable parts of pursing anything meaningful. I keep a post-it note on my wall next to my PC. The note is very specific. It’s only posted ONCE (changed with moves or the start of ‘a new page’), never removed. It’s a note that’s written when I’m feeling so absolutely positive, truly on top of the world. A simple “you got this :-)” but when you’re sitting there swamped in everything else blood sucking and draining the note is a reminder of the way you felt and how certain you were in that moment that things would absolutely work out. Survival, creativity and ambition require a certain level of irrational confidence. The Post-it note reminds you that certainty has existed before and it CAN exist again. Everything I say, I mean, and I do. It’s a lonely road to chasing your dreams. It’s like all anyone can think of is all the things that could go wrong. Sometimes it’s choosing to wear a tutu over your jeans despite being made fun of for it. “But realistically who will XYZ, I just don’t see myself doing that so how would you expect others to?”, “yeah, you’re right. YOU wouldn’t. you’re not the target audience and that’s fine”. Believe in your dreams enough to try. Your fear of being ‘cringe’ is keeping you from even trying. If there’s one thing you can do for yourself it’s that. Go after it. You deserve it, like everything else. Because why wouldn’t you? Assume the best, assume it’ll work out because Why THE FUCK wouldn’t it? Be proud of your ability to dream for more. The universe isn’t on a budget, so why would you put a limit to how big you could dream. And so to the target audience I say: Put your hand on the stone, see if you still bleed. Be so absolutely fucking delusional that all that’s left for you to do is walk into the unknown, turn around and say; “watch me”.
your move.
- z
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