we’re so back… but were we ever gone?
The start of something really great
Year in review
Life begins when you realize you only have one.
Mom, hold me. Another year coming to a close with a blink of an eye as I sat looming over the year that’s gone by; rushed by an automatic negative thought that ‘I’m not living the way I should be’. A quick scroll through my camera roll told me that the belief was false. I know it’s all played out. Winter arcs, locking in, flow state, all that jazz but can I admit something? I secretly love it.
Everyone likes the summer but to be honest, I truly thrive in the fall/winter. It’s like hibernating, amassing energy for everything I love and want. Truly, I look back in awe of what baby me was able to do with half of the mental stability I have now. I used to worry so much about what I needed to do that it distracted me from what was in front of me. It’s like I become possessed by ideas of what the future could look like rather than seeing the beauty in the struggle.
The whole time I was in college ((minus freshman year,,,, obviii) I had my nose in the books, working three jobs, taking 18 units, sleeping 4 hours a night just trying to graduate early. SURPRISE: I didn’t, but I did have a major and 2 minors to show for it. All my friends would go out and party, occasionally my dorm roommate and I would join but on the rare occasion. SO whatever, this whole time im focused on getting to the next thing. Working my ass off so close to the edge that before I knew it college was gone and I was taking the shooters my friends stuffed into our boots before walking onto the field at commencement. Now that im in this weird middle ground after college Im trying to savor every moment, finding that eventually I revert to being possessed by the idea of future thoughts. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but it can become so encompassing that it’s debilitating. SO, in times like these when Im focused on the goals of the future I think of how I feel about college now. “damn I really should’ve enjoyed that more” because I was so locked in on finishing, getting two degrees, having the internships, doing the labs, joining all the clubs, networking; that half the fun was really in the beauty of the struggle.
Maybe im rambling but I have this thing I do at the end of every year. I sit with myself and think of all the things I wanted to do and did. If you don’t do this, now’s a good time to start. Walk with me for a second. Sit somewhere quiet. I usually do it really late into the night or at the beach ((*sigh*, the secrets the ocean keeps safe for me)) from the trunk of my car, I ask myself: “what did I want to do this year and did I make it happen”. I always end up doing everything I said I was and I finish the year wrapping up on the last goal. Think of your life in quarters. In my instance, I think the year goes by faster than ever because I don’t separate my life into breaks that allow me to pause and reflect.
Traditional markers of time like winter breaks, finals season, spring break etc., were used in school which is part of the reason we were able to enjoy some of it. The rat race we participate in makes it impossible to recognize how life moves. Every year I make a goal of being more intentional, really smelling the roses. It sounds corny but I want to look back and admire all the memories I made. Im horrified by the idea of regret. I dont want to regret my time here. I want to make it count. I wont get into it too much but the past two months have made that very poignant. What do they say? “Life begins when you realize you only have one”.
Sit with yourself somewhere. Ask yourself, what did you spend most of your time doing? Did it lead you anywhere? What’s the one thing you put off that you find yourself swallowing nails for now? What fears hold you back? How much more happy would you be if those fears didn’t exist? Answer them honestly. Break them down. Get to the root of it all. Sometimes the things that are best for us hurt us the most. We’re comfortable and yet facing the truth behind the answers we know but refuse to accept will show us where we need to go, or at the very least: how to start. I have a couple of things on that list. This year has taught me of the beauty in the sacrifice and struggles. Some related to career, friendships, and relationships (?). I’ve been really intentional about the way I articulate my feelings and up until now its been hard for me to do if im not already angry. Although it feels heavy and stressful at times, it comes with a kiss and a pocket of lint. Listen to me when I say, I will no longer spend time wishing, regretting and waiting, I'm just starting. Time is precious, struggle has beauty, and life starts the moment you stop postponing it. You’re either meeting me here or you’re not. It’s all too precious to worry about the possible outcomes. Act out of desire, passion, and belief that it will be so. Who know’s maybe a year from now you’ll think back to this moment with a smile. Whatever you’re going through, trust that it to will pass. Like a Phoenix rises from the ashes, you will too. The new year is going to be a hell of a ride.
Remember, the winner takes it all. May this new year be the start of the new you.
And boy is it nice to Z the new you.
((now set an intention✨, replay the song and dance✨))
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